TL;DR: Sometimes, being told that “you are too much (something)” says more about others than it does about you.
How often have you been told, or made to feel, that you are “too” perfectionist, passionate, inquisitive or impatient, think too much, or have (too) much of a temper?
In general, the word “too much” is used for something that is not pleasant or acceptable. In fact, “too much” is impossible to quantify, so we don’t know how much “less” we are expected to be. What is “too much” for one person or context may be acceptable to others. How many degrees is “too hot”?
“Too much” is a cultural and contextual assessment. It is an assessment based on our experiences, expectations, or preferences. When they “accuse” you of “being too much (something)”, it’s because there is something that makes them uncomfortable, bothers them, doesn’t fit in or pushes them out of their comfort zone.
It is true that there are over-the-top, toxic behaviors that hurt everyone – starting with yourself (e.g. too much perfectionism that leads to paralysis, too much tactless sincerity that makes the forms kill the message, etc.).
The boundaries of what is acceptable could be defined by asking ourselves, does this behavior do harm (to others or to yourself) – real or perceived – or does it simply annoy, inconvenience or create friction?
If you have been told that you are “too much” and the result of your action is that you make people uncomfortable without doing any harm to anyone, it is possible that there may not be anything “wrong” with you, but that you are simply having an impact that does not fit with the people in your environment, or with the cultural system that is the company where you work.
If this is your situation, and you have come to think that there is something wrong with you, that you need to change, I invite you to reflect on the following:
- If all you expect is for things to be done carefully rather than in a hurry and rush to deliver, you are not “too much” of a perfectionist. Maybe it’s that you expect things to be done with care.
- If you think that stopping to think a little before rushing off to do whatever it takes to meet a delivery is not thinking “too hard”. You are strategic and know there is never time to think, but there is always time to fix mistakes (with all the problems that entails).
- If you do not remain silent in the face of injustice or possible mistakes and express yourself firmly, you do not have “too much” character. You are empowered.
- If you despair when arbitrary and short-sighted decisions are made (where it is very possible that no one wins), and you fight it, it is not that you are “too” passionate, questioning or perfectionist. You want the work to be done efficiently and to have a real impact.
- If it makes you very nervous that everyone is very calm when you know something is going to break and no one is doing anything, you’re not “too” anything: it’s just that your sympathetic nervous system is activated in the face of a threat.
If you’ve made it this far, you may want a “solution”.
There is no “one size fits all” solution for all situations. What there is is the opportunity to change your point of view. To take a distance and look at what is happening beyond the punctual and the obvious. We can increase our understanding of the situation by looking at it from another perspective, but also by looking for patterns over time. We can understand, evaluate and analyze in a more systematic way.
To help you in the process of reflection and discovery, I invite you to answer the following questions.
- What values are predominant in the company’s culture?
- What are the desired and rewarded characteristics and levels of behaviour?
- What are the gaps between the company’s culture and your values, expectations, and beliefs?
- Who told you you are “too much”, and what did they tell you that for? What did they gain? What does this comment say about them?
- Who gets upset or ignores you when you insist that something is not right? What is in it for them?
- Who has made you feel that “stopping to think” is not right, that you have to move, to do? What is behind this comment?
- Who and when have you been made to feel that you were asking too many questions or giving too many opinions? What was in it for them?
- Who has told you that, when faced with an injustice or problem, you have to take it “easier”? What did they tell you that for?
- How much effort must you make to conform to the expectations of others? What do you gain and what do you lose by being “less…”?
- What (cumulative) effect does it have on you if your environment disqualifies you, ignores you (despite the evidence), or tells you that you are “too much”?
To help you see things from another angle, here are some issues you may not have considered:
- You may be dealing with “Tall Poppy Syndrome” – when the person who does the most and is the most talented is seen as a threat by their colleagues or bosses.
- Maybe what bothers is that you expose biases or shortcomings.
- You may be unwittingly or unwittingly threatening positions of authority or power.
- It may be that in your company’s culture, the rewarded behaviour is one of action, short-term, focused on doing but not on “doing well.”
- (The following is much talked about, and you may already be aware of it, but I mention it anyway.) You may be facing internalized discrimination because you are a woman or a minority.
- If you are more junior than the people at the meeting, they may not think your questions or comments are valid. Being more junior or an individual contributor does not prevent you from having good critical thinking and analytical skills.
People and systems are too complex, and there may be many other factors to take into account. But with these questions, I hope you have begun to see that not everything that is seen as “too much” is bad. I hope you can begin to see your “too much” as something to value and defend.
What is your experience? What have you learned? What do you think about this?
You can leave your comments, questions or opinions below, or privately by email to mail@gabyprado.com.
Also, if you are interested, remember that I can mentor/coach you through these reflections (and others).
Photo by Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash