TL;DR: Sometimes, negative comments about you do not reflect that something is wrong with you; they show that something is wrong with others. Sometimes, all we need is to believe in ourselves and change our point of view.
How many times have you been told, or made to feel, that you are “too much” (too much of a perfectionist, too passionate, that you ask too many questions or think too much, that you have too much of a temper, or are too impatient, etc.)?
- If all you expect is that things are done carefully rather than in a hurry and rush to deliver, you are not “too much of a perfectionist.” You expect things to be done minimally well.
- If you think you stop to think a little before you run off and do for deliver, it’s not that you “think too much” or are wasting time. You are strategic and know there is never time to think, but there is always time to fix mistakes (with all the problems that entails).
- If you do not remain silent in the face of injustice or possible mistakes and express yourself firmly, you do not have “too much” character. You are empowered.
- If you despair and fight it when you see that, despite your data and evidence, arbitrary and short-term decisions are made (where it is possible that no one wins). You are not “too” passionate, questioning or perfectionist. You want to make an impact, believe in evidence over opiniones, and are committed to your commitment and responsibilities.
- If it makes you nervous that everyone is very calm when you know something is going to break, and no one is doing anything, you are not “too” anything: your sympathetic nervous system is activated in the face of a threat.
(Side note: I am not talking about extreme behaviours. It is true that when a strength is applied at the wrong time or place, with a level of intensity far beyond what is acceptable at that time or in that context, friction and perhaps rejection is to be expected).
But if this is not your case, and you still feel that there is something wrong with you, if you feel discouraged, frustrated or thinking that you should change, I invite you to reflect on the following:
Maybe it’s not that there’s anything “wrong” with you, but that you’re simply having an impact that doesn’t fit with (the system that is) your company.
There is no “one size fits all” solution for all situations. We do have the opportunity to change our perspective, take a step back, evaluate our expectations and gaps, and act accordingly.
To help you in the reflection process I invite you to answer the following questions.
- What values are predominant in the company’s culture?
- What are the desired and rewarded characteristics and levels of behaviour?
- What are the gaps between the company’s culture and your values, expectations, and beliefs?
- Who told you you are “too much”, and what did they tell you that for? What did they gain? What does this comment say about them?
- Who gets upset or ignores you when you insist that something you have evidence that will create problems will not be done? Why? What is in it for them?
- Who has made you feel that “stopping to think” wastes time and that you must move and just do it? What is behind this comment?
- Who and when have you been made to feel that you were asking too many questions or giving too many opinions? What was in it for them?
- Who has told you that, when faced with an injustice or problem, you have to take it “easier”? What did they tell you that for?
- How much effort must you make to conform to the expectations of others? What do you gain, and what do you lose by being “less…”?
- What (cumulative) effect does it have on you if they disqualify you, ignore you (despite the evidence), or tell you that you are “too much”?
To help you see things from another angle, here are some issues you may not have considered:
- You may be dealing with “Tall Poppy Syndrome” – when the person who does the most and is the most talented is seen as a threat by their colleagues or bosses.
- Perhaps your actions cause discomfort, destabilize, expose failures, biases, or shortcomings, or threaten positions of authority or power.
- It may be that in your company’s culture, the rewarded behaviour is one of action, short-term, focused on doing but not on “doing well.”
- (This is much talked about; you may already know it, but I mention it anyway). You may be a woman, and you may be facing an internalized machismo (in both men and women) that sees an empowered woman as “something to be corrected”.
- You may be more junior than the people at the meeting. They may think your questions or comments are invalid because you have a lower position than they do or fewer years of experience. Being more junior or an individual contributor does not prevent you from having good critical thinking and analytical skills.
- You may believe that collaborating achieves better results, but they are in an environment where silos and organizational politics dominate.
In a system as complex as a company’s, there are many factors to consider. Therefore, I invite you to change your perspective and evaluate your company and situation as a system with many dynamics. And I invite you to look at yourself from the outside, with fewer biases and beliefs that limit you and make you feel that “it’s you.” 🙂
What is your experience? What have you learned? What do you think about this?
You can leave your comments, questions or opinions below, or privately by email to mail@gabyprado.com.
Also, if you are interested, remember that I can mentor/coach you through these reflections (and others).
Photo by Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash